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” “Jesus,” Eminem added, “I have to go find my daughter right now.” Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’.WASHINGTON—Rushing toward the president as he pressed the eight-inch bit into his temple, several White House aides managed to wrestle a drill from Donald Trump’s hand Monday while he attempted to remove Obama’s listening device from his skull.

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I work down at the pizza pit And I drive an old Hyundai I still live with my mom and dad I'm 5'3 and overweight I'm a Sci-Fi fanatic Mild asthmatic Never been to 2nd base But there's a whole nother me That you need to see Go check out My Space 'cause online I'm out in Hollywood I'm 6'5 and I look damn good I drive a Maserati I'm a black belt in Karate And I love a good glass of wine It turns girls on that I'm mysterious I tell 'em I don't want nothing serious 'cause even on a slow day I can have a three way Chat with two women at one time I'm so much cooler online So much cooler online I get home, I kiss my mom And she fixes me a snack I head down to my basement bedroom And fire up my Mac In real life the only time I Ever even been to L. Was when I got the chance with the marching band To play tuba in the Rose Parade.

Online I live in Malibu I posed for Calvin Kline, I've been in GQ I'm single and I'm rich And I got a set of six pack abs that'll blow your mind It turns girls on that I'm mysterious I tell 'em I don't want nothing serious 'cause even on a slow day I can have a three way Chat with two women at one time I'm so much cooler online Yeah I'm cooler online When you got my kinda stats, it's hard to get a date Let alone a real girlfriend But I grow another foot And I lose a bunch of weight everytime I log in Online I'm out in Hollywood I'm 6'5 and I look damn good Even on a slow day, I can have a three way Chat with two women at one time I'm so much cooler online Yeah I'm cooler online I'm so much cooler online Yeah I'm cooler online All I Wanted Was A Car Ticks Online Letter To Me I'm Still A Guy Some Mistakes It Did Mr.

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #Oscars So White criticism.

The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

LOS ANGELES—Bringing the entire audience to their feet in thunderous applause, a large mirror wheeled onto the stage Sunday evening at the 89th Academy Awards ceremony reportedly received a resounding six-minute-long standing ovation...would get down with somebody I know I guess that's just how it goes When you break up in a small town I see our friends and they put on a show Like they don't want me to know So they give me the go-around But there's only so many streets, so many lights I swear it's like I can't even leave my house I should've known all along You gotta move or move on When you break up in a small town Her mailbox is seven minutes from mine And I drive into town sometimes I see her sittin' there with him And I wanna jump out I wanna fight I wanna say, "... " but I can't It's my fault, I let her go I never thought that...CHAPEL HILL, NC—Suggesting a dangerous and potentially deadly connection, a study published Monday by the University of North Carolina found that exposure to violent children causes increased aggression in video game characters.ROCHESTER, MI—Hip-hop artist Marshall Mathers, a.k.a. Eminem, said he was left wholly terrified today after meeting his daughter Hailie’s new boyfriend Justin Denham, an 18-year-old who was reportedly raised on the rapper’s music.Saying he could barely fathom the thought of Hailie, 17, with a man who ever enjoyed listening to, or was inspired by, his often misogynistic and violent lyrics, Eminem, 40, claimed he was disturbed from the second Denham said he was “a huge fan” of all of the rapper’s seven albums.“He better not think he can get away with all this stuff with Hailie. I mean, this is a guy who was listening to me rap about beating women ever since he was just a kid.” “And his parents let him listen to it? Dre, Snoop Dogg, and Ludacris, and told reporters he could only imagine the sorts of relationship lessons he pulled out of music like “Bitches Ain’t Shit” and “Move Bitch.” “At this point, I suppose it would be ideal for Hailie to date someone who never listened to any one of my songs, ever,” said Eminem.

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