Probability of sex: 23 percent But if your partner leaves you, there is a 100 percent chance he or she comes back if you play Babyface’s “When Can I See You.” Probability of sex: negative-29 percent Scores better than Teenage Usher but he’s still Usher* so it’s a no-go. Probability of sex: negative-3 percent The song “Cupid” pushed it all the way to a 94 percent score, but the rest of its discography pulled it all the way down to negative-3 percent. That’s how you take advantage of the situation, Keith Sweat. That shit moves up and down his forehead like the tides. Probability of sex: 17 percent I kind of wanted him to be singing to me on “Forrest Gump.” He wasn’t though.

At one point during our conversation, one woman dropped down from the rafters into his VIP section and landed in the splits like, “Oh hey, Robin.” Robin Thicke gets ’em going. Probability of sex: negative-72 percent When Usher and Tyrese teamed up for the “My Way” video, that was like when Pacino and De Niro got together in , except about a billion times better. Probability of sex: 9 percent See, this is the way to go. When he got the chance to give himself a new name he went right past normal and all the way to a goddamn warfare machine.



I don’t remember all the songs that were on it, but I remember three of them: 1. You don’t cite the complexity of the human eye or the depth of the universe, you just email out a link to “Differences” and then watch all the atheists and agnostics drop down to their knees in reverence. When I die I’m walking right past the pearly gates and up to God and high-fiving him for making Ginuwine, because he got that one all the way right. I can’t even look directly at pictures of D’Angelo from the ’90s. Tyrese has a tribal tattoo around his belly button.

Ginuwine’s unstoppable “So Anxious” (1999): This one was on there because it’s perfect. I mean, there’s literally a part in the video when he pop-locks in heaven. Probability of sex: negative-95 percent Every time I get mad at someone under 25 years old for anything, I have to stop and take a step back and remember that I grew up with Ginuwine and this person grew up with Trey Songz. Tyrese has a tribal tattoo around his belly button.

Bro, I was doing the sexiest pull-ups anyone ever saw back then because of Ginuwine. Keith Sweat’s “Make It Last Forever” (1987): This one was on there because I wanted her to know I had a little thing called class. Aaliyah’s “One in a Million” (1996): This one was on there because it’s assertive without being aggressive, passionate without being corny, and interesting without being obtrusive. I mean, remember when he tried to be sexy in 2012 on “Tonight (Best You Ever Had)”? It was like watching a toddler walking around a wedding in his little toddler tuxedo. You listen to Anthony Hamilton if everything in your love life is falling apart (“Charlene”) or you listen to Anthony Hamilton if you wanna reminisce (“Comin’ From Where I’m From”) or you listen to Anthony Hamilton if you live in 1970 (every single song) and that’s it.

“One in a Million” is basically the perfect Sex CD starting point. Now, I’m going to stop the anecdote here, in part because the things that happened after that are not things I care to discuss in a public forum, but more so because we’re at a segment of the story when the point I’m making can be stated plainly: A perfect song selection isn’t perfect if it isn’t played at the appropriate time.

The opening of “One in a Million” came softly cricketing out of the speakers and it was perfect.

Probability of sex: negative-100 percent Let’s pretend that, like Kelly, we’re able to look at Breezy and consider him without looking at or considering all the stuff his name carries with it. Tyrese has a tribal tattoo around his belly button. I mean, I have all of his tapes, I’ve watched all of his videos. And so I was thinking that while I was standing there staring at him waiting for him to talk. He was polite and smelled very good and smiled a lot and did this thing where when he was really proud of an answer he was giving he would lean forward and place his right hand on his left hand and angle his elbow out. What I remember most is how aggressively women threw themselves at Thicke. It was just this old leather chair that some old lady had set a vest down on. If your girl is younger than 36, he is a negative one million percent. We hung out and talked for something like 10 or 15 minutes.Seriously, half of these people are dead or have been otherwise, erm, punished for their proclivity.We dare you to find a happy relationship that has been allowed to continue in the below infographic. You can see the full-size legible version over at Cool Material. " (psst, i'm female.) sexchart v9.35 - 9-28-03 sexchart v9.34 - 6-23-03 * videotage - 4- 8-03 the sexchart was used in an art exhibition in hong kong, & i was paid ACTUAL CASH MONEY for it. click here to see the chart mention in the paper catalog! The current "winner", apparently, has had sex with 43 others on the chart." * mexican radio interview via phone - 1-18-02 very silly, but i'll put up an mp3 if there's interest. - local link - 1-11-02 "Nevertheless, some haven't taken kindly to having their personal meatspace links documented, and Daelnar has even received related e-mail threats." * dutch sexchart article - local link - 1-10-02 english translation - thanks to corine "Lish seemed to find it worth mapping forth this survey, She hopes to map every earthling.

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